I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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