I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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