i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
