my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
