peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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