brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
