look no pants
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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