Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
