I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
