Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
