dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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