Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She bit a glass in half.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
