you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
