Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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