We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
