Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
