Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
