My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
