I wish my penis had an off switch
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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