Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
