He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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