after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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