What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
