If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
