Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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