this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
