I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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