i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
