Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
