You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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