Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
