just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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