Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
