sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
