I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
two words...techno handjob
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
