Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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