saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
