Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
