Life is so much better after having sex.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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