You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
