Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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