Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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