I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
