saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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