I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
