I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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