my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
