I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
