So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
