My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This baby is an asshole
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
