the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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